Scottish Jokes And Funny Stories

A selection of jokes about the Scots and Scotland. This is page 1 of 5

Did you hear about the Scotsman who washed his kilt?
He couldn't do a fling with it.

A Scotsman wanted to impress his girlfriend so he took her for a ride in a taxi. The trouble was, she was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.

An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman went into a bar. The Englishman stood a round of drinks, the Irishman stood a round of drinks and the Scotsman stood around.

How do you know if a Scotsman is left-handed?
He keeps all his money in his right-hand pocket.

Hamish was building a garden shed and he ran out of nails so he went to the hardware store to buy some more.
"How long do you want them?" asked the storekeeper.
"Oh, I need to keep them," replied Hamish.

Why do pipers like to march as they play the bagpipes?
A moving target is harder to hit.

How do you get a Scotsman to climb onto the roof of his home?
Tell him that the drinks are on the house.

Did you hear about the Scottish kamikaze pilot?
He crashed his plane in his brother's scrapyard.

Young Jock MacTavish got down on his knees to propose to her when a 10p piece dropped out of his pocket and rolled under the sofa. In the 20 minutes it took him to find it she had lost interest.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

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