Scottish Jokes And Funny Stories

This is our collection of humorous Scottish jokes and funny stories about Scotland and the Scots. This is page 1 of 5

What if you cross a legendary Scottish monster and a bad egg?
The Loch Ness pongster.

What is the name of a Scottish cloak room attendant?
Willie Angus McCoatup.

What is the name of the unhappy range of mountains in Scotland?
The Grumpians.

Did you hear about the Scotsman who washed his kilt?
He couldn't do a fling with it.

A Scotsman wanted to impress his girlfriend so he took her for a ride in a taxi. The trouble was, she was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.

An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman went into a bar. The Englishman stood a round of drinks, the Irishman stood a round of drinks and the Scotsman stood around.

How do you know if a Scotsman is left-handed?
He keeps all his money in his right-hand pocket.

Hamish was building a garden shed and he ran out of nails so he went to the hardware store to buy some more.
"How long do you want them?" asked the storekeeper.
"Oh, I need to keep them," replied Hamish.

Why do pipers like to march as they play the bagpipes?
A moving target is harder to hit.

How do you get a Scotsman to climb onto the roof of his home?
Tell him that the drinks are on the house.

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A Joke At Random

My wife was the last of 5 Scottish sisters to marry, the confetti was filthy.

You can find more like this in the Scottish Jokes category