Scottish Jokes and Funny Stories

What did the pine tree say to his girlfriend?
I'm fir you.

Two Scottish characters, Hamish and Jimmy were sitting talking. Hamish pulled out an expensive looking pocket watch from his pocket to check the time.
"That's a fine watch you got there!" says Jimmy.
"Yeah it is, isn't it? I got it from my grandfather," says Hamish.
"Really?"
"Yeah, he sold it to me on his death bed".

How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Scotsmen don't change light bulbs, it's cheaper to sit in the dark.

How did the little Scottie dog feel when he saw the Loch Ness monster?
Terrier-fied.

Hey, Noah, do you want a drink?
Noah don't.

What if you cross a legendary Scottish monster and a bad egg?
The Loch Ness pongster.

What is the name of a Scottish cloak room attendant?
Willie Angus McCoatup.

What is the name of the unhappy range of mountains in Scotland?
The Grumpians.

Did you hear about the Scotsman who washed his kilt?
He couldn't do a fling with it.

A Scotsman wanted to impress his girlfriend so he took her for a ride in a taxi. The trouble was, she was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.