Miscellaneous Jokes And Funny Stories - 5

This is page 5 of miscellaneous jokes and funny stories.

Two fishermen were out in their boat one day when a hand appeared out of the water.
"What's that?" asked the first fisherman. "It looks like someone's drowning."
"Nonsense," said the second. "It was just a little wave."

A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on an island with nothing to eat. A can of soup washes ashore. The physicist says, "Let's smash the can open with a rock." The chemist says, "Let's build a fire and heat the can first." The economist says, "Let's assume that we have a can-opener..."

Kinder, Gentler Ways to Say Someone is Stupid

A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.
He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Do you think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!
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Follow this simple procedure:
1. Open a new text or word document
2. Hold down the shift key.
3. Hit the 4 key four times.

An elderly couple is lying in bed one morning having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me!"
"Why not," he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says to her, "What on earth are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."
The wife says, "Not so, I'm definitely dead."
Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
His wife answers, "I know I'm dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.

For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regime! Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing outside behind the house, with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can, if you can reach a full minute, relax. You may start feeling the exercise work with a little pain.
After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks After you have master the 10lb sacks move up to the 50-LB. potato sacks. You should start feeling stronger. Then move up to the 100 lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next, start adding a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it at this level.

God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."
"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.
"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's very interesting...show Me." So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.
"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

An alien came to earth, step down from his space ship and said: "I come in peace". Then he gets out his gun and start shooting at everyone. One of the guys who is running away shouts to his friend: " I thought he said he comes in peace!". The alien says: "You mis-understood me, peace is the name of my space ship"

All the red Indians in the Reserve were starving. They ask the Witch Doctor to perform a Rain Dance, to see what the future held. The Witch Doctor dances about, mumbling and looking at the heavens above.
Suddenly he gives out a scream, and falls to the ground. What did you see, asked the Chief?
I had a vision, a hazy vision replied the Witch Doctor. Over many hills I saw a huge Bacon Tree, big enough to feed the whole tribe. What good is that says the Chief, if we leave the Reservation the Soldiers will follow and punish us. If we go at night, they will not know until it is too late replied the Witch Doctor. OK agrees the Chief and that night they sneaked out of camp.
They walked over hill upon hill, food and water were gone, and many died on this venture. Finally the Chief has had enough. How far is this Bacon Tree he asks. Just over one more hill is the reply. At last they climb the last hill, and start going down the other side. Suddenly there is the sound of the bugle charge, and Cavalry swoop down killing most of the Indians.
As the Chief lies dying, he crawls over to the dying Witch Doctor and gasps "What happened to your Bacon Tree" to which the Witch Doctor replies, "I was wrong it was a HAM BUSH."

A Joke At Random

How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
12

You can find more like this in the Intelligence Tests category