Miscellaneous Jokes And Funny Stories - 17

This is page 17 of miscellaneous jokes and funny stories.

My great uncle Morris died of deafness. He was so deaf he didn't hear the roadroller coming.

These two explorers were lost in the desert. One of them went on ahead. When he came back he said, 'There's some good news and some bad news. The bad news is we're going to have to eat sand.'
His friend said, 'Blimey, what's the good news?'
The first one said, 'There's plenty of it.'

The sheriff said to the hangman, 'Hangman, suppose you've got a prisoner to hang and you've gotta be sure he's dead. How high have you gotta hang him?'
The hangman said, 'Two feet off the ground.'

My mum said to me, 'Your uncle's a miser you know. In all that cold weather last week, he just sat huddled over a candle.'
I said, 'Blimey mum, they say it's going to be even colder this week.'
She said, 'Yes, well you never know. This week he may light it.'

This man said, 'Dear lady, you have the face of a saint.'
She said, 'Really? Which saint did you have in mind?'
He said, 'A St Bernard.'

There was my uncle threshing around in the sea, drowning, and this woman went by. My uncle shouted to her. 'I can't swim, I can't swim.'
She said, 'So what? I can't play the violin but I don't go shouting about it.'

My brother went to three parties. At the first party he broke his arm, at the second party he broke his leg, and after that he got Third Party Insurance.

I was staying with my uncle. One day he come in and said, 'One of the chickens has just died. We'll have roast chicken for dinner.' I said, 'Lovely.'
The next day he come in and said, 'One of the pigs has just died. We'll have roast pork for dinner.'
I said,'Lovely'.
One of the ducks died the next day. He said, 'We'll have roast duck for dinner.'
I said, 'Lovely.'
Then the next day he came down all dressed in black.
He said, 'Your auntie's just died.'
I said, 'Don't worry. I'm not stopping for dinner.'

This man was going to be hung. And there he was standing on the trap door with the rope round his neck when in comes a warder with a letter. The prison governor says, 'Stop everything, I want to read this.' And he opens the letter. And he read it. And he laughs. And he laughs and he laughs and he laughs. And there's the prisoner standing there on the trap door and he doesn't know what's going on. He says, 'Tell me, have I got a reprieve?'
The governor says, 'No, you've just won a million dollars on the lottery.'

One caveman said to the other, 'What's that big thing with the long neck writing Jane Eyre?'
The other one said, 'That's Bronte-saurus.'

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