Miscellaneous Jokes And Funny Stories - 16

This is page 16 of miscellaneous jokes and funny stories.

A little withered old man walks into a timber company office, and applies for a job as a lumberjack. The foreman politely tries to talk him out of the idea. After all, he is old, small, and apparently much too weak to fell trees. The old man picks up an axe and walks over to a huge redwood. As he goes to work, a high-pitched whine comes from the axe, chips of wood fly everwhere, and the odor of burning wood fills the air. In record time, the old man is finished chopping down the tree.
"That's just astounding,"the foreman says, "wherever did you learn to chop down trees like that?"
"Well now,"the old man smiles, "have you ever heard of the Sahara Forest?"
"You mean the Sahara Desert."
"Sure, that's what it's called NOW..."

This guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcoard, and nothing happens. Only a little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxilliary parachute, but unfortunately, the chute still does not appear. As he is plummeting toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to her "Do you know anything about parachutes?" "No", she says, "do you know anything about gas stoves?"

Jess: I haven't slept for days and I'm still not tired!
Wess: That's incredible! How do you do it?
Jess: I sleep nights!

Tim: I hear you use three pairs of glasses.
Tom: That's right. One for reading, one for distance, and one to look for the other two.

Mack: My uncle plays piano by ear.
Jack: That's nothing. My uncle fiddles with his whiskers!

Q: On what side of a building does the sun always shine?
A: The outside.

Having just received a great promotion, John was excited about his new position, new status and new office. He was checking through the desk vacated by his predecessor when he came upon a letter, attached to three envelopes, made out to him. The letter told him that if he got into trouble he should open the first envelope. "Make sure you open them in order and only if there is a real emergency," warned the letter. John laughed but filed the envelopes away. Sure enough, within a month he felt the heat and decided to give envelope number one a chance. He opened it and it said, "Blame your predecessor!" So John went to his boss and told him how the bum he had replaced had messed things up and that it would take him time to get things back on track. And, with hard work, he did get the problems resolved. Everything went fine for several more months before, once again, all hell broke loose. In desperation, John opened the second letter. It advised him to "Reorganize!" So John went to his boss and told him the solution would mean a drastic reorganization. After this was done relative calm prevailed. But the day inevitably came when another disaster struck. With trembling hands, John opened the third, and final, envelope. The advice? "Make up three more envelopes!"

My dad said, 'They're looking for someone to clean the stained glass windows in the lighthouse.'
I said, 'Since when did they have stained glass windows in the lighthouse?' He said, 'Ever since there have been seagulls.

My mum said to my sister, 'I had this awful nightmare. There was your teacher being devoured by this foul-looking monster.'
My sister said; 'Go on, what happened.'
My mum said, 'Well, I can't get it out of my head really. The ugly face, the foul fangs, the slimy dribble, the bloodshot eyes....
My sister said, 'Yes' but what did the monster look like?'

A Joke At Random

A man went into a grocer's and saw a sign: 'Normal eggs 30p a dozen, square eggs 50p a dozen.' He asked the manager what the extra twenty pence was for.
'Ah,' came the reply, 'that's danger money for the chicken.'

You can find more like this in the Jokes About Restaurants & Food category