Miscellaneous Jokes And Funny Stories - 15

This is page 15 of miscellaneous jokes and funny stories.

Hey everyone, I just saw a brand new Broadway show based on the dictionary ---------------- it was a play on words.

When Mary Poppins grew too old for the nanny business, she moved out to L.A., to open a fortune-telling shop and mouth-wash store. She hung a sign out her window upon opening, which said:
"SUPER CALIFORNIA MYSTIC. EXPERT: HALITOSIS"

The Abbot of the Monastery was very strict in his routine. Each morning, he'd come out of his cell, go into the main room where all the monks were sitting, and chant "Good Morning." They would chant back "Good Morning." At the evening meal, he'd enter the room and sing "Good Evening," and they would reply in kind. One morning, though, in response to his greeting, he distinctly heard one monk sing "Good Evening." Wondering if his ears were going, he sang "Good Morning," only to hear the anomalous greeting again. Looking about the room, he sang "Someone Chanted 'Evening.'"

A man was shipwrecked on a desert island. He built himself a grass and straw shelter and all was OK until a flock of Terns flew onto the island. The terns started pecking at his shelter, weakening it. This would not do, so the usually gentle man started throwing stones at the terns; till all flew away save one. Well, the man figured that one tern could do no harm, so he didn't bother to chase it away. The last tern kept pecking at the shelter, till it fell in upon the sleeping man ,smothering him.
What is the moral of this story??? Never leave a tern unstoned!!!

I used to be a lumberjack, but then I got the axe.

I used to work in a bank, but then I lost interest.

Child: Aw Mom. Whenever we visit Uncle Al he always wants to go bowling. He never wants to go with me to the court and play a few sets. I think he hates it.
Mother: Nonsense. Many's the time I've heard Alfred laud tennis, son.

She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still!

"What do you get when you cross poison ivy with 4 leaf clovers?"
"A rash of good luck!"

Two of New England's finest undertakers, Old Mort Rogers and his brother Dick, are also experts at rigging sailing ships. Most agree that although Dick is a fine shipbuilder, he's not the rigger Mort is.

A Joke At Random

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please."

You can find more like this in the Office Humor category