Miscellaneous Jokes And Funny Stories - 11

This is page 11 of miscellaneous jokes and funny stories.

I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.

Paranoids are people, too they have their own problems.
It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?

"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
"I've never done anything illegal before."
"I thought you said you were an accountant!"

Submitted by : Jacky 

Two snowmen standing in a field one turns to the other and says "can you smell carrots??".

Submitted by : Stacer 

A new porter at a Paris hotel was instructed by the manager that it was important to call the guests by their names in order to make them feel welcome, and that the easiest way to find out their name was to look at their luggage. Armed with this advice, the porter took two guests up to their rooms, put down their bags and said, "I hope you 'ave a very 'appy stay 'ere in Paris, Mr and Mrs Genuine Cow'ide."

A train in India was going very, very slowly, and a group of American tourists were growing increasingly impatient. Finally, when it stopped for about the hundredth time, one of the tourists got out, walked to the front of the train, and asked the train-driver, 'can't you go any faster?'
'Oh, yes sir' replied the driver, 'but I've not allowed to leave the train.'

Question: how do you call a deer with no eyes.
Answer: No idea.

Submitted by : Stephen Sergbor 

"During WW2, the French resistance fighters, in their finest hour, bravely threw sticks of dynamite at the advancing German troops." "The Germans then lit them and threw them back."

Submitted by : Stevan Hogg 

French President Jaques Chirac, tired of all of the anti-french jokes, since the start of the invasion of Iraq, has announced with great national pride that the super secret French Space Agency will send the first manned mission of three French astronauts to land, and walk on the Sun.
President Chirac stated "This mission will be of historic importance to the world, and restore France's rightful place in the history of the world."
NASSA space scientist's, stunned at the news, asked Mr. Chirca what technology they had developed to keep the astronauts from burning up long before they reached the Sun?
The French President sniffed and replied "Don't be stupid, we are going at night".

Submitted by : Stevan Hogg 

A Joke At Random

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

You can find more like this in the American Humor category