Jokes and Funny Stories about Marriage

How old is your wife?
Approaching forty.
Yes, but from which direction?

Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I only catch her in my pockets.

A man took his wife to the doctors. After he had examined her the doctor said "Your wife's mind has completely gone!"
To which the man replied, "I'm not surprised. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 30 years."

A woman says to her friend, "I was in a such generous mood today, I gave a poor beggar $25."
"Thats a lot of money to give to a beggar," says her friend. "What did your husband say?"
"He said, 'Thank you'."

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?
They are four ways you can lose your home.

Two men are talking. The first said, "I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes."
"That's amazing," said the second, "I just got divorced for the very same reasons.

Wife: One more word from you and I will leave you and go back to my mother.
Husband: Taxi!

My wife really worships me, she puts burnt offerings in front of me every day.

Wife: To think that I had to marry you to find out just how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have realised that when I asked you to marry me.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it!