Jokes And Funny Stories About Lawyers - 5

This is page 5 of jokes and funny stories about lawyers.

"I have good news and bad news," a defence attorney told his client.
"First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

A man walks into an antique store and begins browsing through the merchandise. A small bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye. For some reason, this curio fascinates him and he decides that he has to have it. So he picks it up and walks over to the proprietor.
"How much for this?", he asks.
"I'd think twice about getting that if I were you. Everyone who's bought it before has come back the next day to return it," says the proprietor.
"Why?"
"I don't know--but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of it."
The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase the item. He walks out of the store and begins to make his way home. As he is walking down a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind him. Quickly turning around, he sees two rats following him down the path. "That's odd", he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster. A few minutes later, he turns around again and this time there are 3 dozen rats following him! He begins to break into a trot. Next time he turns around, there are 200 rats! Now he's running as fast as he can. After a couple of minutes, he can't stand the suspense any longer and looks over his shoulder... Thousands of rats, as far as the eye can see, are marching behind him! Now he begins to panic. He looks at the figurine in his hand and it dawns on him what's going on. He changes direction and begins to make his way to the waterfront. When he reaches the harbor, he takes the figure and hurls it into the water. Thousands of rats dive into the water after it and drown! The next day, the man returns to the antique shop. The owner is astonished to find him empty-handed.
"You didn't bring it back??" he inquires.
"No, I've got just one question. Do you have one that's shaped like a lawyer?"

St. Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a stroll. He soon noticed that the fence between Heaven and Hell was in need of repair. So St. Peter leaned over the fence and yelled at Lucifer, "This fence needs to be repaired! I'll see to it that you help pay for it ..." Lucifer replied, "If you want it fixed YOU pay for it!"
St. Peter replied "The fence is your responsiblity too. You help pay for it, or I will sue you."
Lucifer laughed "Ha! Where do you think YOU are going to get a lawyer?!"

A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?" The Father thought for a moment. "Yes Son," he replied, "Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."

There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

Three men were in a balloon. They got caught in a storm and after being tossed about, they got lost. When the storm calmed down, they eventually floated passed a man on the ground.
They yelled "Where are we?"
The man replied "You are in a balloon".
One of the men in the balloon turned to the others and said "that man is obviously a lawyer".
How can you tell?, the two asked.
"It's easy, the information he gave is totally accurate, and completely useless".

There was once a rich man who knew that, within a month, he would die of cancer. So he invited three of his best friends, an engineer, a doctor, a lawyer, to a bequest. The dying man said, "I have worked hard for my entire life, for money, and as such I have decided that I want to be buried with it. However, since the state prohibits all objects from being placed in the casket, except for the deceased and one set of clothing, I will need your help." He continued, "Therefore, I will give each of you $1 million. On the day of the funeral, each of you will approach the casket and secretly throw the money into the casket." The three friends took the money and left. A month later, after the funeral, the three remaining friends gathered at a bar to drown their sorrow.
The engineer broke the silence and said, "I have to confess. Times have been hard lately, so I kept $10,000 for myself. I can't believe that I was so weak, I'm truly sorry ..."
The doctor, moved by his friend's confession, also spoke up. "I've also betrayed our friend's memory," he sobbed. "My wife wanted another BMW, so I took out $40,000 ..."
After they settled down, both the engineer and the doctor looked at the lawyer, who had yet to reveal any indiscretions. The lawyer immediately got indignant at the stares he was getting and said, "Don't think that because I am a lawyer that I would rip him off like you two did." He continued, "I did my part I threw in a check for the full $1 million."

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.
One day, he saw a man coming up the path. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.
Tell the District Attorney that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

It was recently said that a lawyer was fishing in the Atlantic, when a sudden swell threw him into the water. A school of man-eating sharks immediately converged on him, but they lifted him out of the water, and carefully swam him to the shore, where he waded out of the water. He turned, and asked them why they had saved his life instead of eating him alive. One of the sharks smiled, and said "Professional Courtesy!"

A lawyer and his brother were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out in front of them and started snarling.
The brother said "What should we do?"
The lawyer said "I'm gonna run for it."
The brother said "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"
The lawyer said "I don't have to outrun HIM-- I only have to outrun YOU."

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