Jokes And Funny Stories About Lawyers - 2

This is page 2 of jokes and funny stories about lawyers.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
A: Retired.

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But, I did send them."
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

A lawyer was driving down a country road when he sees a family in a field eating grass. He pulls over and asks them why they're doing that. One of the people says, "we are so poor we can't afford food". So the lawyer says, "get in my car I'll take you to my house". "Are you sure"? asked one of the people, "there are 6 of us". "Yes, get in the car" said the lawyer. They all got in the car. When they were about to get to the lawyers house one of the people said "this is really great of you" and the lawyer "said no problem I have grass 6 feet tall".

Submitted by : 'rene 

Q: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
A: No.
Reply: Good!

A man went to the Chamber of Commerce in a small town. Obviously distressed, he asked the man at the counter, 'Is there a criminal attorney in town?'
The man replied, 'Yes, but we can't prove it yet.'

The trouble with the legal profession is that 98 per cent of its members a bad name.

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?"
The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

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