Funny, Answering Machine Messages

Looking for some funny, amusing, joke or strange messages to make your answering machine more fun - well try these ones.

This is page 1 of 9

"This is an answering' machine, this machine is designed to take full advantage of its numerous capabilities. Please say what you wanted to talk about and why did ya call me anyhow? Wait for the tone to sound, and leave yer message after the beep."

(in the voice of John McEnroe the tennis player)
You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes You've missed me by AT LEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can't you get anything right? You people make me sick! Leave a message and I'll call you back! BEEP.

"This is Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?"

(To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel")
I just left home baby
I'll be out fer a spell
and if you don't leave a message baby
you can go to

One voice: I didn't expect an answering machine.
Another voice: Nobody expects an answering machine. Our chief use is to get your name. And phone number.
Our two chief uses are to get your name and phone number. And message. (damn)
Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message. And the time you called.
Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. No--no time for that, so just wait for the beep.

Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet. Sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you back.

[In a strong Australian accent]
G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

Hi this is . I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Please leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.

"Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......"

"This is (your phone number). We are not ... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of glass breaking) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later."

A Joke At Random
Q: How does a male octopus ask a female octopus to marry him?
A: Can I have your hand, your hand, your hand, your hand ...
You can find more like this in the Jokes For Children category