British Jokes And Humour

What the British think is a humourous joke may be completely mystifying to people from other countries. That is why we have created this section for everyone who does find British jokes humourous (or even humorous). But you don't have to be British to view this section.
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Father Christmas

I used to dress off the peg, but now my neighbours take in their washing at night.

Saliva drools O.K.

Postman: Is this letter for you? The name is smudged.
Man: No, it can't be for me, my name is Smith.

Submitted by : Joe

Avenue Road
What's wrong with the old one?

Submitted by : Joe

Villager: It was 'ere that Catherine of aragon was bitten by a mad dog.
Tourist: Tudor?
Villager: Yes, chewed 'er something 'orrible it did.

Old Lady: Do you always play by ear?
Street Musician: Yes, lady, 'ere or 'ereabouts.

What is white and furry and smells of peppermint?
A polo bear.

There has been a theft at Euro Disney. A man has been charged with taking the Mickey.

Honk your horn if you love peace and quiet.

A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that."
"Why not asked the customer?"
"Because that's my husband."

A Joke At Random

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.
"The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what hewants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

You can find more like this in the Animal Jokes category