British Jokes And Humour

What the British think is a humourous joke may be completely mystifying to people from other countries. That is why we have created this section for everyone who does find British jokes humourous (or even humorous). But you don't have to be British to view this section.
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British humour

What is a water otter?
A kettle.

What government agency is responsible for finding lost vicars?
The Bureau of Missing Parsons.

What is the opposite of woe?
Gee-up!

How does a barber cut the moon's hair?
Eclipse it.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were having a rest in their hotel room when suddenly a tree walked in.
"Elm entry, my Dear Watson," said Holmes.

Tourist: Can you tell me the way to Bath please?
Policeman: Well, first you turn on the hot and cold taps then ...

Last night there was a big fight in our local fish and chip shop - a lot of fish got battered.

I used to dress off the peg, but now my neighbours take in their washing at night.

Saliva drools O.K.

Postman: Is this letter for you? The name is smudged.
Man: No, it can't be for me, my name is Smith.

Submitted by : Joe

A Joke At Random
In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.
One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a scottish accent came from within the dense fog.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen".
With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman".
With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman".
Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 1,000 englishman".
By this time, the english general had had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERES TWO OF THE THEM".
You can find more like this in the Scottish Jokes category

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