British Jokes And Humour

What the British think is a humourous joke may be completely mystifying to people from other countries. That is why we have created this section for everyone who does find British jokes humourous (or even humorous). But you don't have to be British to view this section. This is page 1 of 12

One day a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage and found that during his absence his name had been removed from the town register. He sent his wife to the town hall make a complaint to the mayor.
'I'm sorry,' said the mayor, 'I must have taken Leif off my census.'

Submitted by : George 

What is a water otter?
A kettle.

What government agency is responsible for finding lost vicars?
The Bureau of Missing Parsons.

What is the opposite of woe?
Gee-up!

How does a barber cut the moon's hair?
Eclipse it.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were having a rest in their hotel room when suddenly a tree walked in.
"Elm entry, my Dear Watson," said Holmes.

Tourist: Can you tell me the way to Bath please?
Policeman: Well, first you turn on the hot and cold taps then ...

Last night there was a big fight in our local fish and chip shop - a lot of fish got battered.

I used to dress off the peg, but now my neighbours take in their washing at night.

Saliva drools O.K.

A Joke At Random

SCOTTISH FRUITCAKE RECIPE.
You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
1 cup of nuts
1 bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway??

You can find more like this in the Scottish Jokes category