British Jokes And Humour - 5

This is page 5 of British jokes and humour.

One fine afternoon an elderly gentleman tries to get into his local betting office. Much to his surprise, the door is locked. After a few more futile attempts at opening the door a man sticks his head out of a window. It turns out to be the bookmaker himself :
- Sorry, but we're closed today!
The elderly gentleman promptly replies: - But there's a sign on the door saying : Open : 9 - 4, and it's only half past eleven!
to which the bookmaker says: - But those are not the opening hours they are the odds that we're open today.

I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.

A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession.
"Who died?" he asked a nearby local.
"I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think it's the one in the coffin."

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.
However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...
The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:
``Port Left Starboard Right''

If two is company and three is a crowd, what are four and five?
Nine!

The other day, my husband and I bought our small son a jigsaw to keep him occupied while we went out. Imagine our surprise when, four hours later, we came back to find that he had cut his fingers off!!

This woman decides to buy a self-assembly cupboard. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses. Not daunted by this she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Then, another train passes and the whole cupboard collapses again. Thinking that she must have done *something* wrong she re-re-reads the instructions and re-re-assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses yet again. Now, she's finally fed up with this and calls the customer service deparment. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a look. The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse. At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it.
Says the technician: "You won't believe me, but I'm standing here waiting for a train".

The Three Bears returned one sunny sunday morning from a stroll in the woods to find the door of their little house open. Cautiously, they went inside. After a while, big Daddy Bear's deep voice boomed out, "Someone's been eating MY porridge!" Mummy Bear gave a yelp, "Someone's been eating MY porridge!", she said. Little Baby Bear rushed in, "Forget the porridge - someone's nicked the DVD player!"

A man goes into a pet shop and walks up to the counter.
"Yes, sir, can I help you ?" asks the assistant.
"I'd like a wasp, please", said the man.
"You'd like a WHAT, sir ?" asks the assistant, looking puzzled.
"I'd like a WASP, please", he repeats.
"I'm sorry sir we don't sell wasps in here."
"Well, there's one in the window ..."

Let him who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

A Joke At Random
A Scot is emigrating to Australia. Upon entry he is being interviewed by the immigration officer. When the officer asks the question, "Do you have a criminal record?", the Scot replies, "Well no . . . I didn't realise you still needed one to get in!"
You can find more like this in the Scottish Jokes category

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