British Jokes And Humour - 4

This is page 4 of British jokes and humour.

I knew this eccentric Frenchman who raises carp in the south of France. When the carp are full grown, he catches them, skins them, and makes men's wallets out of the skins. He is, in fact, a man known for his carp to carp walleting.

Submitted by : Brian

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

A man goes into a fish n chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks 'Do you sell fish cakes here?'
'No' was the reply.
'Shame, it's his birthday.'

Submitted by : Stevan Hogg

A couple of boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden!
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden...
After about a half mile the boy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thigh's to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up with him...
"Lets see yer fishin license, Boy!" the Warden gasped..
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license..
"Well, son", said the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes Sir", replied the young feller," But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"...

One fine afternoon an elderly gentleman tries to get into his local betting office. Much to his surprise, the door is locked. After a few more futile attempts at opening the door a man sticks his head out of a window. It turns out to be the bookmaker himself :
- Sorry, but we're closed today!
The elderly gentleman promptly replies: - But there's a sign on the door saying : Open : 9 - 4, and it's only half past eleven!
to which the bookmaker says: - But those are not the opening hours; they are the odds that we're open today.

I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.

A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession.
"Who died?" he asked a nearby local.
"I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think it's the one in the coffin."

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.
However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...
The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:
``Port Left Starboard Right''

If two is company and three is a crowd, what are four and five?
Nine!

The other day, my husband and I bought our small son a jigsaw to keep him occupied while we went out. Imagine our surprise when, four hours later, we came back to find that he had cut his fingers off!!

A Joke At Random

The whole family was grouped round the television watching an international rugby match and the English full- back once again failed to intercept the opposing wing, who streaked home for his twentieth try. 'That full-back,' said the father, 'he's useless. I don't know why they let him play for the side at all.' 'Well,' said his five-year-old son, 'perhaps it's his ball.'

You can find more like this in the Jokes About Sports category