Bars and Bartender Jokes and Funny Stories

Two fonts walk into a bar. The barman says to them, "Get out. We don't serve your type in here."

A is standing drinking at the bar when the man next to him whispers, 'do you want to buy any pirate DVD's?'
'No thanks, I hate Treasure Island.'

The man who goes into a bar very optimistically usually leaves it very misty optically.

A man walks into a pub and sees Vincent Van Gogh standing at the bar. The man says 'I love your paintings, can I buy you a drink?'
Vincent replies, 'No thanks I've got one ear.'

I'm watching my drinking, so now I only visit bars that have mirrors on the walls.

What do you call a woman who goes into a bar and starts to juggle with the drinks?
Beatrix (beer tricks).

I was out drinking in a bar last night and a woodworm asked me: "Is the bar tender here?

A pie walks into a bar and asks the bar owner if he can have a pint of beer and a packet of crisps. The bar owner replies and says, sorry we don't serve food.

A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer. As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voise saying seductively, 'You've got nice hair'. The man looked all around him but couldn't see where the voice came from. A minute later he heard the same voice saying, 'You are a handsome man.' The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.
The barman replied, 'It's the nuts - they're complimentary.'

One night after closing time a bar owner was finishing clearing up, when a spectral hound floats in through the door. The bar owner is scared, but asks him what he wants.
The phantom hound explains, 'I've lost my tail and cannot rest until a kindly bar owner stitches it back on.'
'Sorry,' said the bar owner, 'but we don't re-tail spirits at this time of night.'

Submitted by : Steve