Bars & Bartender Jokes & Funny Stories

Jokes and funny stories about bars and bartenders.

What do you call a woman who goes into a bar and starts to juggle with the drinks?
Beatrix (beer tricks).

I was out drinking in a bar last night and a woodworm asked me: "Is the bar tender here?

A pie walks into a bar and asks the bar owner if he can have a pint of beer and a packet of crisps. The bar owner replies and says, sorry we dont serve food.

A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer. As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voise saying seductively, 'You've got nice hair'. The man looked all around him but couldn't see where the voice came from. A minute later he heard the same voice saying, 'You are a handsome man.' The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.
The barman replied, 'It's the nuts - they're complimentary.'

One night after closing time a bar owner was finishing clearing up, when a spectral hound floats in through the door. The bar owner is scared, but asks him what he wants.
The phantom hound explains, 'I've lost my tail and cannot rest until a kindly bar owner stitches it back on.'
'Sorry,' said the bar owner, 'but we don't re-tail spirits at this time of night.'

Submitted by : Steve 

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman, 'Was I in here last night?'
'You certainly were,' replies the barman.
'And did I spend a lot of money?'
'You spent over £100', replies the barman.
'Thank god for that,' says the man, 'I thought I'd wasted it.'

A man walks into a bar and asks, 'Do you serve women in this bar?'
'No,' replies the barman, 'you have to bring your own.'

Who said beer won't make you smarter? It made Bud wiser!

A guy runs in a bar and he asks the bartender for 24 shots of his finest whisky. When the bartender has poured the shots the guy drinks them down as fast as possible. The bartender says "wow I've never seen anyone drink that fast before" and the guy says "You would to if you had what I had" and the bartender says "What is it you have?" And the guy says "25 cents" and runs out of the bar.

A horse walks into a bar, he sits down and the bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"
Then a second horse walks in with jumper cables attached to it's head, he sits down, and the bartender says, "I don't mind the long face, but don't u go and try to start anything!"

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